Man Law: Gun Control

Man Law: Gun Control

Chillin with the boys can be an anxiety-ridden experience when one is unsure of his chance at riding shotgun. Shotgun, for those nerds who think I’m describing a deadly weapon, is something else entirely. Shotgun is the crem’de’la’crem of seats in your vehicle besides the driver, so of course it’s besides the driver. Other seats include: left nut (seat behind the driver), bitch (aptly named for the tiny space reserved for the accompanying passenger so chosen) and, of course, right nut. You may think the need for shotgun is erroneous, but guess again. Shotgun privileges may include driver’s main man (implying others in back have not earned their rightful place at shotty), more radio say, first dibs at the drivers snacks and an overwhelming feeling of accomplishment (have some pride if you got it).
Problem is shotgun rules vary from friend to friend and driver to driver. You could find yourself in a sticky situation due to conflicting rules possibly causing an unnecessary heavyweight bout for the door. So, to help everyone out- this is the law… The Man Law.

Law #1 Driver’s Word must be respected

Most people will find this rule obvious, but in most situations the driver ought not to have much say at all in specific instances of the quest for shotty. The driver is important because he sets the ground rules. If you own the vehicle the first thing you must do after you name it after a long (lost) love or after a girl you met the week before at The Maltese, is set these ground rules. This does not mean the driver gets to straight pick who sits where, but he must be given some slack when extreme situations occur (as in your friends girlfriend’s not so hot friend and that trip to Mexico). After all, the driver should be paid some respect, he bought the damn car.

Law #2 Vocal Claims should not be binding

Most drivers allow the rule that “He who calls it gets it,” but this always leads to trouble. Your friend might call it in your house hours before you have left, but who is to say the other friend who called it on the walk to the car shouldn’t get it. What about the friend who claimed he called it, but you either didn’t hear him or he is flat out lying. The ambiguities are endless and almost always end up with someone annoyed. You may think that it is still ok for a driver to have “He who calls it gets it” rule if it is further specified. One example so follows, “Calling shotgun is binding if and only if the agent is in clear view of the vehicle and the driver as well as some other passengers (if applicable) can confirm said vocalization.” Which for practical purposes may be best for your group of friends; however, I can’t find good reason that justifies any different type of contextual speech (be it hours before the trip or near your Accord) over another. Therefore, I propose the following:

Law 3# Shotgun is Given to the Passenger who First Touches the Door of the Shotgun

I like this rule because it doesn’t reward anyone for simply being the first to remember what they desire. In most cases stating that you want the last of something (or the only something) you must first ask the others if they want it (you know, its called politeness). The last slice of pizza is not for the taking. In most cases, asking another if they want shotgun is equivalent to giving it to them. At least with this rule, some competition is added to the grab game. Usually it won’t be the fastest friend to get the shotgun, since gunning for the door also takes the memory of the rule to initiate a race in the first place. If the slower friend really wants shotty, he’s gonna have to work harder in that area and in finding creative ways to get to the door first, but this makes the quest for shotty much more interesting, especially for the driver. Competition should be heightened when no one can offer up any gratuity for the hefty chunk of change the driver coughed up for gas, running is respect.

Qualifications: If two friends both claim they touched the door first, they shall fight it out Rock/Paper/Scissors style, best two out of three. In fact, if everyone has a problem with Law #3, an all out war version of RPC (between all passengers) should be played until a victor is crowned his seat, and looser is given bitch. I also support the “Blitz Shotgun” set of rules (found in Tahoe and other areas with Blitz enthusiast). Which allows for one to call shotty, but the agent can be over ruled by another who yells “Blitz,” which causes an all out blitz for the desired seat. All runners should do what is in their power to win, but all races for the door should be done in a safe manner. Shotgun is not worth getting smacked by a car already on the road, remember, getting on the road is your ultimate goal anyway. And lastly, it is only fair for the one who rides shotty to give it up to one of the other passengers on following rides.

Gun control is important, that is why it is law.